The most difficult question to answer in the last few weeks-
How are you ?
A standard phrase in my vocabulary for many years now has been this very question, "How are you?"
I would use this phrase almost like a punctuation mark. Often, it would be amongst the first couple of sentences in any conversation I had.
My answers to this quesiton in the past would be one of the following-
1) Very well. And you ?
2) Great. How about you ?
3) I am fine. How are you ?
4) Life is good. How are things at your end ?
However, last few weeks, having gone through the most intense experience of my life ( losing my mother, the person i loved the most in this world ), this is a question i shudder to hear, struggle to answer and hesitate to ask.
So, what happens when i am asked the question, "How are you?"
First of all, i feel uncomfortable.
Here is why-
If i answer any of my usual four answers (listed above), it is untrue. I do not want to be saying anything untrue. So i do not pick up any of the four options above (Very well, Great, Fine, Good) .
If i say i am the opposite of the four mentioned above (for example- not good) , there would be an element of truth in it. However, it is moree likely to open up a conversation (usually, with - Why, what happened ?) and its likely to be a long conversation. Many people continue this conversation ( most of them do so out of genuine concern and empathy; some do so for politeness, some oters for sharing something similar from their life experiences ), some others quickly move the conversation to something else, as they themselves are uncomfortable conversing about loss and death.
Often, the time for a conversation is short. So i just reply to the "How are you" with a "How are you".
On some other occasions, what i also do, is to reply this with the subject of some other topic (for example- what happened on this, whtat happened to that ). This helps to keep the mind focussed on the ISSUE and not get into discussions that bring out regrets of the past or anxities of the future. As i re-collect the times i have done this (and there are several such occasions), this seems like a hurried, discourteous response.
So what am i doing these days when i am asked the question, "How are you?"
I just let things flow. I am truthful about my situation. Often, I am vulnerable and share my vulnerabilities openly. At times, I am philosophical. On occasions, especially when time is short, i just get to the point and divert the question to some other discussion.
As i reflect upon the uneasiness and difficulty of answering the world's most common conversation question, i feel very strange about the loose, almost frivolous manner in which i used to ask and answer this question in the past- a past which belonged to another world, just a couple of months ago.
At the same time, i am beginning to get more comfortable in answering this quesiton by being a reflection of my present by letting my thoughts and words flow, while ensuring that my words are in sync with my feelings.
This gives a sense of lightness, and helps me in my recovery process of picking up the threads.
It also gives me a greater sense of consciousness and responsibility in using the world's most common conversation phrase, but perhaps, the most difficult one to answer - "How are you?"
How are you ?
A standard phrase in my vocabulary for many years now has been this very question, "How are you?"
I would use this phrase almost like a punctuation mark. Often, it would be amongst the first couple of sentences in any conversation I had.
My answers to this quesiton in the past would be one of the following-
1) Very well. And you ?
2) Great. How about you ?
3) I am fine. How are you ?
4) Life is good. How are things at your end ?
However, last few weeks, having gone through the most intense experience of my life ( losing my mother, the person i loved the most in this world ), this is a question i shudder to hear, struggle to answer and hesitate to ask.
So, what happens when i am asked the question, "How are you?"
First of all, i feel uncomfortable.
Here is why-
If i answer any of my usual four answers (listed above), it is untrue. I do not want to be saying anything untrue. So i do not pick up any of the four options above (Very well, Great, Fine, Good) .
If i say i am the opposite of the four mentioned above (for example- not good) , there would be an element of truth in it. However, it is moree likely to open up a conversation (usually, with - Why, what happened ?) and its likely to be a long conversation. Many people continue this conversation ( most of them do so out of genuine concern and empathy; some do so for politeness, some oters for sharing something similar from their life experiences ), some others quickly move the conversation to something else, as they themselves are uncomfortable conversing about loss and death.
Often, the time for a conversation is short. So i just reply to the "How are you" with a "How are you".
On some other occasions, what i also do, is to reply this with the subject of some other topic (for example- what happened on this, whtat happened to that ). This helps to keep the mind focussed on the ISSUE and not get into discussions that bring out regrets of the past or anxities of the future. As i re-collect the times i have done this (and there are several such occasions), this seems like a hurried, discourteous response.
So what am i doing these days when i am asked the question, "How are you?"
I just let things flow. I am truthful about my situation. Often, I am vulnerable and share my vulnerabilities openly. At times, I am philosophical. On occasions, especially when time is short, i just get to the point and divert the question to some other discussion.
As i reflect upon the uneasiness and difficulty of answering the world's most common conversation question, i feel very strange about the loose, almost frivolous manner in which i used to ask and answer this question in the past- a past which belonged to another world, just a couple of months ago.
At the same time, i am beginning to get more comfortable in answering this quesiton by being a reflection of my present by letting my thoughts and words flow, while ensuring that my words are in sync with my feelings.
This gives a sense of lightness, and helps me in my recovery process of picking up the threads.
It also gives me a greater sense of consciousness and responsibility in using the world's most common conversation phrase, but perhaps, the most difficult one to answer - "How are you?"
